Sleeping through the Beauty Read online

  To brighten his mood, Phillip began humming so Rose wouldn’t be able to sense his deep disappointment. He carried the bouquet of yellow roses over to the vase and pulled out the old flowers. He busied himself with adding fresh water to the vase and disposing of the old flowers before finally walking back to Rose’s bedside. In the first moment of stillness, he marveled again at how beautiful she was.

  How many hours had he spent memorizing each dimple, the curve of her cheeks, or even each breath she took and released? What he longed for but refused to voice was for her to open her eyes and see him. Was she able to hear his many conversations over the last few months? It had been easy to talk about the years of neglect. After all of that had been purged from his system, he had told her about every single forgotten hope and dream. Every night, even though he didn’t think he would have anything else to say, he would sit by her side and have each and every word tumble from the bottom of his soul. He told Rose things he didn’t know he had thought about or even knew he yearned for.

  “The paperwork came in this morning for Rose’s Security Blanket Foundation. I almost came right over as soon as my secretary placed it on my desk.” He waited for a reaction, even though he wasn’t expecting any. So why he was disappointed when Rose’s expression didn’t change was a mystery only his heart knew.

  Phillip sighed and walked around the foot of the bed to the only window in the room. The night nurses hadn’t lowered the blinds yet and even though it was too dark to see anything, he stared out at the night’s blackness. “How did I get here, Rose? I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone. I only feel complete the moment I walk in here and see you’re okay. I have fallen in love with you and you’ve never even seen my face. I only know what your voice sounds like from your mom’s home movies. My being here is crazy, right?” There was nothing but silence for a reply, so he continued staring out the window. “The money’s rolling in for your foundation. We have enough to begin three of the dormitories, but I need your advice on what to do next. Even though I have all of your notes, it’s not the same. I need your passion for this to ever work like I know you want it to.”

  He glanced back toward the bed, but there wasn’t any movement or indication that she heard anything of his words or pleas. He drew in deep breath and then released a weary sigh. He jammed both hands into his pants pockets and turned back to face the blackness. His next words were directed toward the window and he said in all but a whisper, “Who am I kidding? I need you. I need you more than I have ever needed anything in my entire life. I have been asleep to the beauty out there, but you saw it, didn’t you? My entire life I have dwelled on only the negative aspects of my life. I never saw the possibilities until I met you.

  “Did you know your mother lent me all of your journals? I don’t think she knew just how much of your personal life you had entered in them. But every word in them indicates that you’ve always known your place in the universe, and what you were capable of doing to make it a better place. I’m ashamed to say that all I ever saw is what had been stolen from me. I never thought I owed the world anything. I have been so blind. Now here I am and I see what you saw all along and there you are sleeping and missing the life you envisioned. It breaks my heart to know you are missing this beauty. I don’t think you want that, so stop sleeping your life away.

  “Please wake up, Rose. I want that for you more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. Even with me knowing the moment you do, you’re not going to remember my words to you. I’m also aware that you’re never going to feel for me what I feel for you, but that’s okay because it will be enough to have you whole again, to see you smile and just to hear your voice. It will it all have been enough.

  “I will hold this time in this room with you close to my heart forever and remember your sighs. I will hold all of this close to my heart. Even though you might not remember my words to you, I’ll remember that for a short time I had to you all to myself. You are destined for more than this bed and this room. You are destined to live your life to its fullest and for me that will be enough, so wake up, my beautiful Rose. Please wake, my love.”

  When Phillip finally turned to face Rose, the moment he did, he could feel the change in the room before he saw it and even when he did, he had to walk over to the bed to make certain he was really seeing what he thought he saw. He knelt by the side of the bed. “You have beautiful eyes.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. He then ran out of the room to get a nurse.

  To find your true love is better than any dream.“Why are you here again? You don’t have to do this, you know.”

  Phillip caught Rose around the waist before she crumpled to the floor. It was bittersweet being so near, but at the same time so far away. He gathered her into his arms and then sat her in the nearest chair. He knelt to be near, but managed to keep the concern out of his voice. “You don’t have do this either, but here you are overdoing it again so you’ll be able to be your sister’s bridesmaid next week.”

  He touched her cheek, but refrained from caressing her hair, even though he longed to run his fingers through it ever since walking into the room. He wanted more than anything to take a strand of it between two fingers and to caress it as he had done without her permission in the nursing home. He missed those daily visits. The hardest part of it all was she did not know who he was, or the part he had played in her life over the last few months. He had tried to stay away at first, but since he was still overseeing her foundation, he had found one excuse after the other to be with her to talk business.

  He hadn’t forgotten the pact with himself to be content with her being out of the coma, so he tried to bury the pain of having her only seeing him as someone who was nothing more than a soon-to-be brother-in-law. She wasn’t indifferent to him, but he wasn’t anything other than a complete stranger to her. Even though he had watched every home movie and had read her deepest thoughts from the pages of her personal journals, she knew nothing about him and seemed content to keep it that way.

  To regain control over his emotions, Phillip stood and put some distance between the two of them.

  With a stubborn set to her jaw, Rose pushed out of the chair. “I have to do this for Donna. All we ever talked about growing up was about how we were going to be in each other’s weddings. Donna and I chose the colors for the flowers and dresses for both of our weddings when we were just teenagers. I have to do this for me too. You have no idea how hard it is to wake up and realize you’ve slept away fifteen months of your life. I can never get that time back, so I’m determined not to miss one more moment of my life.”

  Even though she wavered at first, she seemed to find an inner strength and managed to straighten. Her deep blue eyes sent him a challenge, so he nodded and walked over next to her in case she grew tired and needed his help again.

  Rose walked slowly but steadily. “You never answered me. Why are you here helping me and not at work? I’m certain you must have better things to do with your time than babysit me. You’re still in your high-class lawyer duds. You’re not playing hooky today, are you? I would hate for you to be fired because of me.”

  She swayed and bumped up against Phillip, so he wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her, but as soon as he felt her back muscles tighten against his hold, he released her again. “I’m not playing hooky. I brought some papers over for you to sign and about a half dozen more checks that have been donated.” He watched from the corner of his eye to make certain she was stable. He tried only to help if she was in danger of falling. It was hard watching her struggle at regaining the full use of her legs. “Besides, I’m the best man. It’s my job to be your backup. You do know you can always count on me to be your backup, right?”

  They walked in unison across her mother’s living floor and while she didn’t answer his question, she did utter a couple of curse words when she stumbled and almost fell again. Unable to stand to see her in pain another moment longer, Phillip scooped her up and carried her
over to the sofa. After gently lowering her onto it, he sat beside her.

  They sat in silence for a long time before Rose finally spoke. “I have dreams about you.”

  Phillip had been staring off at nothing on the other side of the room, but that made him look at her. Her cheeks were now flushed and he suspected it was from more embarrassment and not her earlier struggles.

  Rose met his eyes, but only briefly. “I always have the strangest feeling when we are together that we were good friends, but I know that isn’t so because I just met you after I came out of the coma. But every night before I drift off to sleep, a feeling comes over me that we used to go for long walks and we would talk about everything possible. When I sleep, I can recall events from your childhood and bits and pieces of what you want of out life.” She met his eyes again. “That’s crazy, right? I don’t really know you want to learn how to fly a plane one day or you and Roger never once celebrated Christmas with your parents.”

  When Phillip shifted his weight, their knees touched. While he would have liked to keep that contact, he moved his leg before answering, “I came to see you every night since the first time I brought your mother last Christmas Eve. I talked at first to tell you how the plans for your foundation were coming along. Whenever I had questions, I asked you even though I knew you couldn’t answer. I wanted you to be a part of the strategies you had worked so hard on for the children. It didn’t feel right to take your plans and carry on without you, so I did the only I could at the time. I talked to you.”

  Trying to explain the unexplainable made him nervous, so he stood and began pacing. “Before I knew it, I was telling you all about my life. I had read all of your journals to discover how you wanted the foundation set up and I found so much more in your journals than that. I knew to do so was prying but I couldn’t stop from reading about your thoughts. So even though you didn’t know me, I was discovering who you were and who you wanted to be. In a strange sort of way, it was like we were friends. With every visit, I talked to you about my life and during that time, I was slowly coming to realize I had wasted so much on it doing what other people expected out of me.”

  He stopped pacing and faced her. “Every night before I left, I asked you to wake up because you were missing so much of your life. I could see what I had missed in my life and I didn’t want you missing yours. You had too much to give and too much still to do with it. I wanted you to realize how much your family missed and needed you.”

  He glanced away and focused on a table lamp. “In the end, I was telling you how much I needed you.” He met her eyes again and held his arms straight out as if surrounding. “I grew to know you during that time in a way I had never taken the time to know myself or anyone else. I was wrapped in what was wrong with the things I had no control over. I can’t change my parents, or how they feel about me. It took meeting you and reading your journals finally to see everything I was missing out on. You’re ten years younger than I am, but you already know more about life than I ever did. I wanted to be a part of such a bright life if only on the sidelines watching you conquering the world.”

  He dropped his arms and looked at his feet. “You asked earlier why I was here. I’m here because even though you don’t know me, I know you and if you don’t mind, I would like to be a part of your life if only in some small way.”

  He walked over and knelt at her feet. “So let me help you while you’re regaining your strength. Please let me be some small part of your life. I promise not to be anything other than a good brother-in-law. I promise to not to ride up on a white charger unless you really want or need me to. You want to know why I’m in your dreams. It’s because while you slept I told you my hopes, hurts, and dreams. Since I already knew yours, it seemed only fair you should know mine.”

  Rose reached out and touched his face. She closed her eyes as if memorizing the feel his skin. When she reopened them again, she smiled. “You don’t have to come riding up a white charger, but would you walk by my side in the wedding next week? I don’t think I’m going to have all of my strength back by then. You’re right. Friends need friends. With you by my side, I don’t have to worry about falling. I knew for some reason that I always feel safe when you are near me.”

  When dreams become our realties, what do we dream about next? We make new dreams.Phillip had butterflies in his stomach as if the wedding were his own. Instead of standing in the front of the church next to his brother, it had been decided he would meet Rose at the top of the stairs and hold onto her arm as they descended them. Each step up to meet her he had found it impossible not to stare at her in her lovely gown of yellow.

  She was a vision in a long dress made of sheer silky layers of the palest yellow he had ever seen. Her hair was put up in soft curls in the back with a few wisps of curls by each ear. If he had ever thought she looked like an angel before, the sight of her at the top of those stairs had taken his breath away. But since he had promised himself he was only going to be Rose’s support and big brother he forced his heart to settle down and to keep his eyes off the soft swells of the exposed tops of her breasts.

  One of the many things he had discovered about her likes and dislikes while reading her private journals was that yellow was her favorite color. That was why he had carried a bouquet of some type of yellow flower to her every night at the nursing home.

  The moment he reached the top of the stairs, he smiled but didn’t voice out loud how stunning she was. They were finally becoming comfortable being around each other so there was no reason for her to know he thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he stared straight ahead and focused on reaching the bottom step without any mishaps.

  The same words pumped through his brain with each second. “I’m happy being some part of Rose’s life. I’m happy with that. I am. I really am.” By the time they made it to the front of the altar and the two of them went their separate ways, the words had almost become a full-fledged tune with chorus and the added bonus of the organ music. When the wedding march began playing and everyone else’s eyes were focused on the bride, his eyes looked over every inch of Rose and the words felt like a betrayal to his heart. How could he ask his heart to stop feeling such love? Here he was standing before God and he couldn’t lie any longer to her or himself. It was time to stop tormenting himself. There was no way he could ever be this close on a day-to-day basis and just be her friend. So what did that leave?

  So that was why between the vows being exchanged and the preacher pronouncing Roger and Donna husband and wife, Phillip made a huge life decision. He hated being a lawyer, so why not quit and finally study aviation as he had always dreamed of doing? Nothing was keeping him here. Roger had begun a new life with Donna. He no longer needed a big brother in order to have his much-needed family. Their lives had branched off and were going in different directions. Phillip made the decision and then waited to feel an expected pain at the thought. But none came. As if it were all a dream, he watched Donna and Roger kiss, and then turn to walk back down the aisle together as husband and wife.

  Phillip walked over and met Rose in the center of the altar. As soon as he took her elbow, they began following the happy couple down the aisle, but about three steps into the march he sensed the moment Rose’s strength gave out. Fortunately, the past week’s experience had left him fast enough to catch her before she fell to the floor. Even though several women gasped, he didn’t stop, but carried her out of the sanctuary and back up the stairway. He pushed through the first door and sat Rose into the nearest chair.

  He grabbed a straight back chair and pulled it over next to hers. He leaned forward and placed his elbows onto his knees. “You did good.”

  Rose rolled her eyes, but after a moment, she laughed. “Yeah. I didn’t cause a scene at all, did I?”

  Phillip joined in with the laughter. “I don’t think anyone noticed.” He sat back and draped an arm over the back of his chair.

  She looked at her hands and twisted then on the top
layer of her dress. “What were you thinking?”

  He lifted an eyebrow as if asking what she was talking about, even though he suspected he knew exactly what she was referring to.

  “In the middle of the ceremony I could see the moment you came to some life changing decision. If you don’t mind me asking, what was it? You did say we were friends the other day. Friends share life changing decisions, don’t they?”

  It was painful looking into her stunning eyes. They only reminded him of everything he was never going to have. He sat forward again. “It suddenly occurred to me how much I hated my job and what I really wanted to do was learn study aviation. The day I told my father that was I wanted to study, he told me no son of his would waste his life studying something so stupid and useless. You see, the Sinclairs produce nothing but doctors and lawyers. Any other line of work is considered far beneath the family name. I was supposed to follow in my father’s footsteps even though he has never been a part of my life. Back then, I was still naïve enough to believe that if I did as he wanted, then maybe I would finally win his approval.”

  He sat back and stared off toward the corner of the room. “Of course I never did. I don’t know why it took me so long to decide I had to live my life as I wanted to live it because this is the only one I have.” He met her eyes again and shrugged as if the decision wasn’t that monumental. “So you see, my big decision is to quit my job and go back to school. Crazy, huh?”

  This time it was Rose’s turn to lean forward. “You know what I think?”

  He leaned forward too until their noses were almost touching. “What are you thinking, my lovely Rose?”

  She grinned. “I think you need a lady in shining armor to come riding up to your rescue.”